She was upset about the situation and wanted advice from someone “experienced.” I tried to explain that I am not the person who can give her first-hand insight. Unlike her, I was always able to talk with my partners about emotions, desires, and interactions with other people. I can not imagine a partner so jealous that even talking about loving more could cause a disaster in a present relationship.
“Why should I do it,” she asked. “Why should I engage in a risky, possibly dangerous love affair? Is it worth it?”
Of course, she had in mind her position as a wife, her loving husband, and their marriage, plans for the future and all pleasant and comfortable things they enjoy together. The new “love” (quotes are hers; she doubted that attraction, emotional satisfaction and other signs of new-born relationships with another man could be called love) was terrifying and threatening to everything she imagined for herself.
“I can not say,” my answer was cautious. “I don’t think about love in terms of value.”
She looked at me, obviously confused. “But I have to do it. I have to consider the consequences of my actions.”
“Yes, you have to. But, at the moment you do it, we are not talking about love anymore, don’t we? Basically, you are not concerned with what you feel. Your experience is unclear, and you avoid looking into it by diverting your attention to your needs and how your actions can endanger them.”
I wasn’t sure if she understands, so I continued: “People often confuse love with a need. Your attraction to another man can be just a need. In that case, you should identify an unsatisfied need and talk to your husband about that. You should both direct sufficient attention to that problem and try to solve it. On the other hand, your attachment to the idea of marriage can also be a need, based on a conditioned habit, and polyamorous feelings you have towards others could be real and true. In that case, you should reconsider your whole life and, again, talk to your husband about that and see if you two can have a future together at all.”
She looked at me for a long moment. Very probably, my answers were not pleasing to her. She wanted something simpler; something more like a recipe for a “karmically correct action.” People often do no understand that “karmically correct” is not written in the stone. Karma is not just an interaction between the given rules and the desired goal. There is always more than that. For example, there is always a wider picture – dharma – what a person is, or even more important, what a person can become.
If you try to find an answer to the question of „why you love someone,“ you are on the mission impossible. Love doesn’t answer such a question. There is no „why“ for love. But, there is „a why“ for a need. You need something (or someone) for a reason. You love something (or someone) without reason. If you have a reason, then you are not talking about love, but about a need.
Usually, so-called love-experts (themselves declared to be monogamous and firm believers in the perfection of a simple one to one emotional relationship), insists that when one partner feels attracted to someone else outside the communion of two, it must be because something is wrong in a primary relationship. They think that there always is a reason for the multiplication of love. By introducing a reason, they are denying what’s happening and diminishing the experience from the status of love to the status of a need.
While in some cases they may be right, in most cases they aren’t. Love doesn’t need a reason. Love will appear out of the blue, no strings attached, no conditions required, no questions asked. That is how living people, conscious beings, experience love. We can not label it; we can not attach the value on it, nor can we compare it with anything else.
Of course, we will nevertheless do just that. We will ask is it worth to love someone; is it worth to act upon the love we feel. That question is not natural to humans, but it is very much social. So we struggle to balance between what we really are and what we think society need us to be.
„So, I am polyamorous, am I?“ she looked at me almost in horror. „Why I am such a person? Why can’t I be satisfied with one person? Isn’t it better to be loyal, dedicated, simple?“
„It is my experience that most of the people are polyamorous. Some have feelings for more than one person all the time; others just here and there. Some follow such feelings and engage in multiple relationships; others don’t. Please, don’t identify simplicity, dedication, and loyalty with monogamy. Such virtues are equally part of any relationship, be it with one or more than one person. The most important for any relationship is – honesty. And that, because love comes to us without reasons and conditions, and may strike us at any moment, is a virtue polyamorous people must nourish. You see how hard it is to tell your husband about your feelings. It is easier not to tell him, isn’t it? So, monogamous relationship favors dishonesty. It is simply easier. What he doesn’t know, doesn’t hurt him, right?“
She nodded, not looking particularly happy.
I continued: „That is what most people think, so they cheat and they don’t tell. But if you look in your heart, you will see how wrong it is. There is no love in such a life. On the other hand, if you are honest… Yes, it will be hard, and maybe you will be forced to change your expectations and ideas about how life should look like, but at least you’ll be able to say that you were honest to him, to yourself and to love.“
I’m not sure what she did after we part, and how her story, so similar to hundreds of other life stories, ended. Probably, she continued to ask herself the questions such as „why“ and „is it worth,“ and „what should I do.“ If you ever find yourself in a similar position, try not to be too hard towards yourself.
If love finds you, it is not your fault, nor it is your reward. There is no reason for love, nor it should be. You can not create it, deserve it, nor keep it when it is over. Unfortunately, what you can do is block her full potential and even destroy her if you are too much of a slave to needs.
And remember, love comes in innumerable forms and can not be restricted with your ideas about her. You are a human being, conscious being, and thus capable of love. All kinds of love.
Why? There is no „because,“ nor there should be any „why.“
Don’t try to answer the question from the title of this article. Why you love, how you love, and how many you love… O, comm’n, it is out of your reach forever.